Emotional Self-Regulation & the Polyvagal Model

Why safety is the starting point for therapeutic change

Therapy isn't just about insight—it’s about regulation. About shifting from a state of defence to a state of openness.

The polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges and brought into clinical practice by Deb Dana, gives us a powerful way of understanding how the nervous system responds to stress, safety, and connection.

It maps the autonomic nervous system (ANS) into three core states:-

Ventral vagal – Social engagement: calm, connected, present

Sympathetic – Fight or flight: activated, alert, defensive

Dorsal vagal – Freeze or shut down: withdrawn, numb, dissociated

We ideally want to move through these states fluidly, in tune with the external world—but early experiences (attachment patterns, trauma, or even subtle miss attunements) can disrupt this. Over time, the system can become biased toward certain states, activating defence when it's not objectively necessary.

Some of us live too much in a sympathetic charge, others disconnect entirely into dorsal collapse.

Understanding these patterns is one thing. But how do we begin to shift them?

That’s where regulation begins.

Grounding Practices: Returning to Ventral

Grounding is the process of bringing ourselves back into connection—with our body, the earth, the present moment. At its deepest, it is a felt sense of safety, weight, belonging. It’s less about “calming down” and more about coming home.

And it’s not just something we do alone. Co-regulation—the nervous system’s ability to borrow steadiness from another—is at the heart of any meaningful therapeutic relationship. Sometimes it’s the therapist’s breath, voice, pace, or presence that helps a client begin to settle… and sometimes, both people benefit from the same moment of stillness.

As therapists, we often sit with a kind of faithful uncertainty. Not always knowing exactly what’s happening, but holding a space steady enough for something real to emerge. Grounding practices can support both therapist and client—particularly when words feel too far away.

Breathwork

Simple breathwork techniques gently stimulate the vagus nerve and can nudge the body back toward regulation:- Box breathing: Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4- 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8 (often used before sleep or during overwhelm)

Grounding through Visualisation

I’ve used this with clients, especially when disconnection makes verbal processing difficult. It’s not just the words of the exercise—it’s the act of witnessing, the trust, the quiet faith that this shared moment might offer a way back in.

“Begin seated comfortably. Close your eyes and take a deep, slow breath. As you exhale, feel your body start to settle. Visualise yourself as a strong tree—your spine the trunk, your feet the roots, your arms the branches. A warm red light glows at the base of your spine, grounding you. With each breath, the glow deepens, anchoring you into the earth, into yourself, into now…”

This kind of visualisation isn’t magic—but it is medicine. Gentle, relational, embodied medicine.

State Before Story

One of the key insights of polyvagal-informed therapy is that state often precedes story. When we’re shut down or hyper-alert, we can’t reason or reflect our way out of it. The story we tell ourselves—about who we are, what’s happening, what’s possible—is shaped by the state we’re in.

Only once the system begins to feel safe can the story start to shift.

Regulation, then, is not just a clinical tool. It’s a gateway to self-compassion. And it often begins not in theory, but in relationship.

Other Tools to Support Regulation

- Cold exposure – splash face with cold water, or brief cold showers

- Mindful movement – walk, stretch, dance, shake it out

- Meditation & stillness – short moments count

- Social connection – eye contact, kindness, gratitude, shared presence

Closing Reflection

So much of this work begins not with doing, but with sensing.

What does safety feel like in your body?

Where does your breath go when no one’s asking for anything?

How do you know when you’ve come home to yourself, even just a little?

When we invite ourselves back into presence—back into relationship—we begin to change the story without needing to force it. And more often than not, we do it together.